*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”
*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*
You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.