The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”


Wife: It’s not a chick flick!
Me: was the movie released in February?
W: yes.
M: are they standing back to back on the cover?
W: sigh.. yes


Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy


A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend


My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process


My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.