@sfjdotcom

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

@AshleyFrankly

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

@robfee

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

@FindusPancake

My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”

@thenatewolf

*Trying to come up with the most romantic thing I could possibly say*

You’re like if my friend Brent was a girl.

@AimeeHelene1

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

@_little_old_me

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.