The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Worlds greatest photobomb
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.