The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Today’s Times
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.