Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

when she block me on everything

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.