Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.