The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You Might Also Like
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
This is my cat’s medicine.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
