Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

new career option?

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ