The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: