Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

mom had nothing to worry about

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.