The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
it takes so much energy
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then