The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
You Might Also Like
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Story time
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again