The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Are we there yet?…
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
pep talk
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence