The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
This is my emotional support knife.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
May have had one breakfast too many
A small tragedy.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer