The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
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society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.