The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
🛁
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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