The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now