The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop