The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Very good! 👍😂
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick