The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
the world’s most popular steaming services
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.