The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi