Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

*seductively peels off lederhosen

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.