The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I put the mess in domestic.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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