The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.