Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

.

Okay, I’m still confused…

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”