The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead