The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
A double negative is a big no-no.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears