Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Otters see a butterfly.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!