The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
🤣😂🤣😂
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Dead sexy!!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.