The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”