The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)