The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*