The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.