The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You Might Also Like
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
moms in horror movies
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
[eulogy]
line?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.