The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Sponch
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.![]()
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*