The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
✨☝️✨
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer