The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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Love it! 👍😂
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.