The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
podcasts
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It will always be this
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty