Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.