The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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*me flirting
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.