The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
bias laundering edition
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket