The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.