The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Found the job I’m suited for
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.