The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
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There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.