Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.