Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

then why did i get this email

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg