The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
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4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
🍞🦆
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”