The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Best spot.. 😅
very niche meme I made
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone