The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Yup.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking