The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
got so much cardio in today
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”