the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: ππππ I Dont know guys, leave me alone π
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
βPlaneβ kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for βTruckβ in 2024 and βDoggieβ in 2025.
Realtor: Iβm sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, itβs oceanfront property.
Realtor: again itβs ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now itβs Β’75.
Guess thatβs the cost of inflation.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Kids be like βI owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?β
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guardβs neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like βwell that doesnβt seem safeβ
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The first few months of a babyβs life are crucial and so itβs important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information