Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*