Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.