the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
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OMG 🤣🤣
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Nothing.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Welcome to the stomach
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]