Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

When can I start eating bats again.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”