the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.