Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun