the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
