the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible
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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
why isn’t thunder called soundning
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS