The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
You Might Also Like
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Remember folks 😂
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.