Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth