The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
How all things should be taught/explained.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”