The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
🐶😂
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*