Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Twitter fine art

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.