Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.