the way this pissed me off… 😭
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy