Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*