Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.