The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I am laughing way too hard at this.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.