Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.