The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder