Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

See..?

.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh