“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Stonehinge
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal