Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything