Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

I can’t stop watching this.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.