Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.