The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Peace was never an option
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?