@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: A girl named “Bambi” called 6 times to see if you could go skinny dipping.. So, do you have a thing to say for yourself?

Me: Can I go?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

@OwensDamien

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

@loribuckmajor

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@kwirkyKerri

There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.

@rickolantern

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

@Bob_Janke

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.