Her: A girl named “Bambi” called 6 times to see if you could go skinny dipping.. So, do you have a thing to say for yourself?
Me: Can I go?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
You Might Also Like
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”
— Polite vampires.
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.