Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

😂🐾

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.